The Star Ship Spengler.

An S Class Research Platform capable of light hopping Through the recently found Orrin Gate pictured below…

We had just invented what we thought was a quantum communications array that could be used for quantum entanglement communications.

The ability to communicate vast amount of information instantaneously through out the solar system was in our grasp…Or so we thought.

A noble cause indeed, but when it was first turned on, we found this peering at us……

A race of beings that lived in a parallel Universe.

After much debate, and due to the fact that they looked like something a Dung Beetle would try to roll uphill, the great scientific minds of the time decided that they would henceforth be known as “Turdballians”.

After many failed attempts at communication using Google Translate, Alexa, Siri and an astute guy named Frank, a breakthrough happened.

Using several new AI algorithms combined with listening to “Weird Al”Yankovic  songs backwards at several different speeds, it was discovered that what sounded like the release of “pasta related flatulence’ was actually a language.

The very first translation was…

“Oh..hey…Wow..Hi.”

After several months of back and forth banter with the Turdballians, it was discovered that The Orrin, a mysterious race that had disappeared billions of years ago, had left these gateways scattered throughout the “Universes”. Probably for “shits and giggles”

The Turdballians had been using them for years, mostly to steal technology and alcoholic beverages, and had been to our system several times over the millenia.

When asked  why they had not contacted Earth before this, seeing as they were in the neighborhood anyway, the translators hummed an hawed and after several hours came up with only this…..

“Roll up windows. Lock doors. Take next left. ”

I’m sure when we find out what this means, we will become better Galactic Citizens.

Co-operation

For the next three years our scientists and theirs got together to compare notes and it turned out their universe was not so different from ours when it came to the laws of physics. Great projects were initiated. There were great successes like the design of the “Spoop” drive for the Spengler, which was being built in orbit during this time, but there were also failures, like the gun.

The Gun

The Turdballians had warned about the many dangers out there in the multiverse, and had sent us a schematic of a most dangerous weapon that should only be used in self defense. Called the “Squeeeee” , the gun was said to have been the only weapon that could take down a ‘PPPratttstabby”, whatever that was. So of course we had to build one.

The room for testing was 12 meters by 12 meters. a three centimeter bundle of Kevlar backed by three meters of concrete. the gun which looked re-markedly like a phaser from “Star Trek” the original series, was mounted on a strong steel tripod and the scientists were behind a meter of polished quartz. A mannequin was placed in the room and a scientist dressed it in the latest armed forces battle Armour. Everyone waited expectantly as the test fire was readied. The klaxon sounded and everyone took cover. The button was pressed and there was a brief dull light from the nozzle of the gun and then nothing….

“Well”, said the lead scientist “That was rather underwhelming”

They checked for any changes in radiation levels. There were none. Then they sent the junior intern in to check the connections and the mannequin. He timidly entered the room, then straightened up smiling. He took a deep breath through his nose and said. “It smells really nice in here”

After several more test, it was determined that the weapon they had spent billions in development capitol to build, removed nasty odours and left whatever you shot it at smelling spring fresh.

It went into mass production as a janitorial product.

Thats how it ended up in my cart.

My name is Murray

I’m the Janitor